Baby Showers of Tears

Susanne got up early this morning to prepare for the day. Moppy came over mid-morning to watch Paxton while Susanne headed over to Cory's to help decorate for the party. They had decided early on to have the gathering at her house just in case something came up with Paxton that would cause Susanne to be unavailable. It was not always predictable to know when Paxton needed to go to the hospital.

Susanne couldn't wait to see how much Julie's belly had grown since the last time they saw one another. It was amazing how even just a few days could cause her to change so much. Susanne missed seeing Julie almost everyday. They had become somewhat accustomed to spending a lot of time together over the last few years at work. Once Julie had her baby sometime in the middle of December, Susanne knew that their time would be even more limited.

Julie's mother, Cory, and Susanne spent the rest of the morning sprucing up the place and preparing some last minute food items. They had set out a few fun games for guests to participate in as the shower took place. One of the games was for the guests to cut a piece of ribbon the approximate size of Julie's belly. Even though Susanne had played this game multiple times before, she still failed miserably. Another game was to try to guess which baby picture went with which guest. This was a lot of fun getting to see what everyone looked like as an infant. Finally, they had a Scrabble board sitting out for guests to try to come up with boy's names that would result in the highest point value. People were very creative and came up with names that Julie might actually be able to use. Susanne took a picture of the final product so she could see if Julie took any of their suggestions when the big day came. There were a few other things laid out for the guests to do for Julie. There was a book that people could write any important advice for a first time mother. Also, they could come up with silly names that went along with her last name, Hart. The one with the most votes was "Achy Breaky" Hart.

All in all, it was a beautiful shower. The food was delicious and the cupcakes were a hit. Julie got her own special stash for her to take home to have all to herself. She got a lot of wonderful gifts, including a lot of the big items like the stroller and the car seat. This gave her a major sense of relief. Finally, she felt like her list had been completed. She was now officially ready to have this baby at anytime.

When Susanne got home, she was feeling odd. She wasn't sure why, when she had just come from celebrating the impending arrival of Julie's baby. This was such an exciting, life changing moment for everyone to look forward to, but for some reason Susanne felt apprehensive. When Susanne walked through the door, Moppy asked how everything went. Susanne immediately burst into tears. It caught Susanne off guard because she wasn't expecting this response. Moppy sat with her on the stairs as she relived some of the events from the past year. She remembered how excited she was during her own baby shower a year ago. She remembered the joy it brought to her to set up Paxton's nursery. She loved figuring out how to use all of the new baby gear. She remembered the eager anticipation Scott and she felt days before Paxton's arrival. All of those wonderful emotions were shattered in one second. Susanne delivered a baby that she didn't get to hold. He was taken from her immediately without her understanding why right away. Paxton was in the hospital for two months before he could come home for the first time. Susanne had to go home night after night to an empty nursery. Most of those nights, her bed was empty too because her husband was away on an internship. Her car had a car seat in it with no baby. She had a stroller without anyone to push around. It was shocking to her that these emotions were still so fresh...so raw. She was even more surprised how easily she was shaken. She was truly happy for her good friend and the beautiful experience she was about to go through, but no matter how wonderful it all was she was haunted by her own experience. She didn't wish her journey upon anyone. It was unbearable to have a child that was so sick with no cure. The best had already been done for Paxton and that may not have even been enough. Susanne feared the future. Susanne feared the unknown. She had mastered living in the moment so well to avoid thinking about any of that. In these dark moments, she had to constantly remind herself that she should rejoice in the fact that Paxton was even here at all. That was a miracle in and of itself. Also, she had to believe that he had a greater purpose for being here on this earth. He had touched so many lives already in the short time he had been living. She knew he had many more to go.