Dump The Pump

Now that Paxton had received his last Synagis vaccine of the series, there was no need for Susanne to continue giving him her breast milk anymore. The pediatrician and lactation consultant made this Susanne's goal to reach months ago. This was supposed to be the end point for her, but she was struggling with this decision. If it were up to her, she would probably continue pumping indefinitely because it had become so ingrained in her daily routine. She also firmly believed that her antibodies were extremely beneficial to Paxton even if he was only getting a minute amount at this time. She thought that it had made such a significant impact in boosting his immune system over the last fourteen months, so why stop now? It had to be one of the reasons, if not THE reason, that she was able to help prevent Paxton from getting a cold or the flu until this past week. According to everyone else, there was nothing preventing her from stopping right now. It became apparent that the only thing standing in her way was herself. For some reason, she couldn't bring herself to stop. It wasn't as easy as she had originally thought it would be. During the last few discussions she had with Scott about this topic, she realized that she had developed this odd relationship with her pumping. It didn't seem right that she got emotional everytime she thought about quitting. She knew she never liked to quit anything, but that wasn't the reason why. All she could come up with was that it had been the one and only tangible thing that she was able to do for Paxton when he was attached to all of those wires and lines in the NICU. It was one thing that she knew Paxton needed from her and something he could benefit from. It was the one thing that made her feel like a mother when she felt like anything but that. She had remembered early on how it was difficult to feel like a real mother when everyone else was in charge of telling her when she could do things for her son. She had to be told when she could hold him, when she could change his diaper, when she could bathe him, and when she could touch him. Also, the fact that she was not able to nurse him due to his medical condition made her feel like she was less of a mother even though that was out of her control. She wanted to do more for him, but couldn't. She wanted to take away all of his hurt. She wanted to take away all of his pain. She wanted to tell him everything would turn out okay. She had spent some of the first few months grieving the loss of the idea she had about the typical process of becoming a mother. She had to adjust to the new idea of what it meant for her to be a mother to Paxton. The pumping had kept her alive. It had kept her going because ultimately it was a gift she could give to her son when there were so many other things she couldn't do for him.

It was all so weird. Why was it so hard to just put the pump down? It should be a relief to her instead of such a difficult decision. She should be focusing more on the fact that it would free up more of her time. She wouldn't have to interrupt her schedule to be a slave to the pump. She wouldn't have to wear special shirts or bras to be able to make it easier and faster to get through the process. Also, she could stop depriving herself of dairy and soy. She had been dreaming of ice cream, Mexican food, cheeseburgers, and pizza since the day she started that diet a year ago. Most importantly, she would finally be able to get more sleep. Her late night dates with Jimmy Fallon could come to an end. She knew that the only way this would work would be to physically leave the pump in VA as she drove back down to NC today. This would eliminate the problem. The temptation to continue wouldn't be there anymore. She wouldn't have a choice in the matter if she was without a pump. She wouldn't be able to make up anymore excuses why she should continue. Instead of pumping and dumping, she would be dumping the pumping. Now if she could just pry her hands off of it and walk away. At the last second, she decided to pump one last time before getting in her car. As she pulled out of the driveway, she shed a tear as she reflected on this bittersweet moment.

Susanne had a six hour drive back to NC with only her thoughts to keep her company. She spent the ride reflecting on the events that had occurred over the last year. By the time she arrived to the house she was exhausted. She told Scott of her brave move today and how difficult it was for her. Before she could say another word, he had a bowl of delicious ice cream shoved in her face. This was an instant reminder that she had made the right decision. Susanne went to bed that night with a big smile on her face. Oh, how she had missed dairy! Maybe not pumping wouldn't be so bad after all.